As is the nature of such things, I had a revelation last week while completing my last set on the Assisted Pull-Up machine at my local YMCA. My chin rose above the apparatus, catching a brief glimpse of some pseudo-reality talent show featuring unknown judges with British accents, hip-hop regalia, and ethnically- ambiguous facial features, and I saw two beautiful women with bald heads. I got that all too familiar sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss my bald head. I miss my bald head. I miss my bald head.
The mantra had been running in my head for a few weeks as the Arizona temperatures began their annual climb toward the 100teens and my curls became increasingly more difficult to manage. I knew the first AZ summer with hair would be my true test of the strength of my resolve. A proverbial New York city. If I can make it this summer, I can make it every summer. But lately, the heat hadn't been the problem. It was my self-esteem.
In that nanosecond between the 24th and 25th repetition, I realized that I had grown as attached to, if not more so, my lack of hair as many women are to theirs. I didn't feel as pretty, glamorous, beautiful, whatever, WITH hair as I do without. As the inches have grown, I have developed and appreciation for the hair on my head, but not necessarily it's attachment to my face. Over the last five years, I had an attachment to a certain look. I didn't feel as special or unique as my hair has grown.
When I had done a photo shoot for AZ Magazine in February, I made a point to shave my head. When I heard I was going to be videotaped for a Metagenics testimonial, I almost shaved it again, as if my health and wellness journey of the last decade of quitting smoking, losing 110 lbs, eating 85% vegetarian, and becoming a Zumba instructor was reduced or less significant if I had hair. Absolutely ridiculous.
And as I began my first set on the Rear Deltoids/ Pectoral Fly machine, I realized something else. Hair. Clothes. Jewelery. Shoes, even shoes. Career. House. Car. Whatever. I had made the mistake that so many of us make and that I am sure I will make again. I had attached my personal value, worth, and self-esteem to something outside of myself, rather than focusing on the only thing that truly matters--that which is within.
Regardless of weight, struggles, triumphs, successes, failures, height, educational level, whatever, what makes me truly special, unique, and beautiful is the divine essence that is ME. Which happens to be what is truly special, unique, and beautiful about each and every one of US. No need for an Anti-hair identity. I'm amazing simply because I am. So are you.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Albertsons, Wal-Mart, and Ampro! Oh My!
It has been interesting to learn all of the unexpected lessons I have encountered on this natural hair journey. Because I do not have a particular destination, I am able to enjoy the stops and relish the glimpses I catch of the direction in which I am heading.
Seems like such a small thing, accepting one's hair and maintaining it as biologically intended. At this early stage of the game, only three months in, I expected that I would learn a lot about my haircare, but not so much about me. I assumed that personal development and internal change would be seen in restrospect, as I reflected on the year of hair growth, rather than along each inch of the way, on any given day.
Last week, in an attempt to get the three school-age boys and Patrick to class on time, I decided to forgo make-up when geting ready to drop them off. "It's not like I am going in anywhere," I thought, "I won't even bring lipstick." Of course, we had to stop somewhere. Of course, I had to go in. Albertsons was the stage for my au-natural debut. An amazing feeling came over me as soon I walked through the automatic double doors and removed my Aviators. I didn't care.
What? Who? Me? I was astonished. Just over six months ago, I was in the proverbial funk because I ended up having to stay at a Dodge dealership for many hours and go into a Waffle House without lipstick. I had grabbed the wrong bag and only had a glittery Chapstick at my disposal. Yet here I was, no make up what so ever, shopping at Albertsons and beaming at my fellow customers. Did I learn from the experience that cosmetics are superficial and that true beauty lies within? Of course not. Am I now going to forego make-up in public on a regular basis? Hell no. I learned that although I have many beautiful friends and sisters who do not wear any make up, I am not one of those women. It's not because of societal standards or expectations, or a need to create an illusion of something I am not, rather I love to decorate. I love to paint. And just as there is not a wall in my red, black, purple, orange, yellow, fuschia, turquoise, lime, pink, chocolate, and cobalt blue colored house that does not bear my aesthetic, the same principle applies to my face. It's my daily canvas.
And I also learned that a little bit of self-acceptance goes a long way. While I prefer to have my powder,eyeliner, and lipstick in their designated areas before leaving the house, it's okay if they are not. I have the honor and priviledge of getting to wake up ME everyday, which far outshines cosmetics, clothes, shoes, well, okay...maybe not shoes, or anything else hat I superficially adorn myself with.
Three months of hair has taught me once again, never say never. I thought I would never shop at Wal-Mart. I thought I would never find Ampro at a San Tan Valley Walgreens, and I thought I would never be comfortable shopping sans make-up at a grocery store. I am fortunate to be wrong about all three.
Seems like such a small thing, accepting one's hair and maintaining it as biologically intended. At this early stage of the game, only three months in, I expected that I would learn a lot about my haircare, but not so much about me. I assumed that personal development and internal change would be seen in restrospect, as I reflected on the year of hair growth, rather than along each inch of the way, on any given day.
Last week, in an attempt to get the three school-age boys and Patrick to class on time, I decided to forgo make-up when geting ready to drop them off. "It's not like I am going in anywhere," I thought, "I won't even bring lipstick." Of course, we had to stop somewhere. Of course, I had to go in. Albertsons was the stage for my au-natural debut. An amazing feeling came over me as soon I walked through the automatic double doors and removed my Aviators. I didn't care.
What? Who? Me? I was astonished. Just over six months ago, I was in the proverbial funk because I ended up having to stay at a Dodge dealership for many hours and go into a Waffle House without lipstick. I had grabbed the wrong bag and only had a glittery Chapstick at my disposal. Yet here I was, no make up what so ever, shopping at Albertsons and beaming at my fellow customers. Did I learn from the experience that cosmetics are superficial and that true beauty lies within? Of course not. Am I now going to forego make-up in public on a regular basis? Hell no. I learned that although I have many beautiful friends and sisters who do not wear any make up, I am not one of those women. It's not because of societal standards or expectations, or a need to create an illusion of something I am not, rather I love to decorate. I love to paint. And just as there is not a wall in my red, black, purple, orange, yellow, fuschia, turquoise, lime, pink, chocolate, and cobalt blue colored house that does not bear my aesthetic, the same principle applies to my face. It's my daily canvas.
And I also learned that a little bit of self-acceptance goes a long way. While I prefer to have my powder,eyeliner, and lipstick in their designated areas before leaving the house, it's okay if they are not. I have the honor and priviledge of getting to wake up ME everyday, which far outshines cosmetics, clothes, shoes, well, okay...maybe not shoes, or anything else hat I superficially adorn myself with.
Three months of hair has taught me once again, never say never. I thought I would never shop at Wal-Mart. I thought I would never find Ampro at a San Tan Valley Walgreens, and I thought I would never be comfortable shopping sans make-up at a grocery store. I am fortunate to be wrong about all three.
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