As is the nature of such things, I had a revelation last week while completing my last set on the Assisted Pull-Up machine at my local YMCA. My chin rose above the apparatus, catching a brief glimpse of some pseudo-reality talent show featuring unknown judges with British accents, hip-hop regalia, and ethnically- ambiguous facial features, and I saw two beautiful women with bald heads. I got that all too familiar sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss my bald head. I miss my bald head. I miss my bald head.
The mantra had been running in my head for a few weeks as the Arizona temperatures began their annual climb toward the 100teens and my curls became increasingly more difficult to manage. I knew the first AZ summer with hair would be my true test of the strength of my resolve. A proverbial New York city. If I can make it this summer, I can make it every summer. But lately, the heat hadn't been the problem. It was my self-esteem.
In that nanosecond between the 24th and 25th repetition, I realized that I had grown as attached to, if not more so, my lack of hair as many women are to theirs. I didn't feel as pretty, glamorous, beautiful, whatever, WITH hair as I do without. As the inches have grown, I have developed and appreciation for the hair on my head, but not necessarily it's attachment to my face. Over the last five years, I had an attachment to a certain look. I didn't feel as special or unique as my hair has grown.
When I had done a photo shoot for AZ Magazine in February, I made a point to shave my head. When I heard I was going to be videotaped for a Metagenics testimonial, I almost shaved it again, as if my health and wellness journey of the last decade of quitting smoking, losing 110 lbs, eating 85% vegetarian, and becoming a Zumba instructor was reduced or less significant if I had hair. Absolutely ridiculous.
And as I began my first set on the Rear Deltoids/ Pectoral Fly machine, I realized something else. Hair. Clothes. Jewelery. Shoes, even shoes. Career. House. Car. Whatever. I had made the mistake that so many of us make and that I am sure I will make again. I had attached my personal value, worth, and self-esteem to something outside of myself, rather than focusing on the only thing that truly matters--that which is within.
Regardless of weight, struggles, triumphs, successes, failures, height, educational level, whatever, what makes me truly special, unique, and beautiful is the divine essence that is ME. Which happens to be what is truly special, unique, and beautiful about each and every one of US. No need for an Anti-hair identity. I'm amazing simply because I am. So are you.
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